Well the title pretty much says it all, lil blog. I’m having a slight mare.
I’m just gonna jump right in so read along for the ride. Yknow if you fancy seeing what your early twenties could look like, or maybe you’re like me and you have no idea what you’re doing with your life. We’re all in this together, ey! HSM flashback much. Oh someone please help me, I’m a mess!
It’s all just weird because I feel like I don’t really have the opportunities I once had anymore- such as GCSEs/A levels/degree. Like I’ve done those, I can’t go back and do more (without it costing me a huuuge amount) and honestly, knowing what I know now, if I could redo these qualifications, my options and what I’d choose would no doubt be very different. But weirdly and simultaneously, now I’m older I feel like I do have more opporunities. Like I’m older for one (obviously), I can do things I wouldn’t have been able to do at 16, I’m also far more confident and take more chances and risks now. I don’t know really, in a nutshell, I have different opportunities now. Whether they’re better or what is debatable I guess but do you know what I mean?
Side note: don’t you think it’s really weird that you’re given the responsibility at like 14 to begin deciding what you want to do? That’s so young! As you get older, you experience new things and meet new people and your opinions and outlook on everything changes. Hence when I said if I redid my options, they’d be different. I don’t regret what I chose because it was right at the time but if I did them again right now, they’d 100% be different, yknow? So it’s so weird that you begin carving these paths so early.
But I feel like when I was younger, I had such a solid idea of what I was going to do. Like it was always going to be law- I did the GCSEs and A levels to match but when it came down to uni, I still wanted to go but I didn’t want to do law anymore. I spent a good ten years pursuing the law path and suddenly it wasn’t right, it wasn’t where I wanted to go anymore. Like where do you go from there? It’s five years later from knowing law wasn’t right anymore and I still haven’t figured it out, I still have no idea.
Also, I kind of wish the UK uni system was possibly more like America’s system (stay with me on this) ie. only the part where they have minors and majors. Like imagine going to uni and getting to study bits of several different subjects so you can taste it all before you pick your dish. Like that would have been so much easier had that been an option for me and maybe I would have found whatever it is I’m looking for.
I just think about this a lot because as I said in a couple of blog posts ago, I was applying for my masters. But the fact it’s taken me eight months sat with a full application ready to be submitted- it’s literally waiting for me to press send and I haven’t done it, I can’t. I can’t because I don’t want to do something that might not be where I actually want to end up, I don’t want to do something that isn’t worthwhile. I can realistically only do it the once, because I couldn’t fund it by myself. But I loved uni the first time (yeah okay, not the course) and I love learning, I love having access to millions of papers (you have no idea how much these cost to access outside of uni) and I read things all the time that had nothing to do with my degree. I downloaded loads before I graduated and still read them now. Like I love learning new things so I really think a masters could be good for me. But I have no idea what in, I thought I did but the fact I haven’t sent that application is telling me I don’t and that I should hold off for a bit longer. I’m just really confused and I feel like I have this deadline looming over me of when I should be successful and know what the hell I’m doing and gonna do.
It’s difficult because I enjoy a lot of things, I love life, I love people, but I don’t feel really passionate about anything. I don’t know if that’s weird or normal or what? Like, for example, I love horses, I always have and I’ve been around them since I was six. When I was younger and growing up around them, I had all the ideas of a veterinary career, racehorse ownership, training horses, I had alllll those career aspirations. But as I got older, money and time factors into a lot of these and they just became a lot less feasible. Equally, I still love horses, I really do, but I don’t think that’s the career I want. I’d still like a horse, I still want that in my life but I don’t want it to be my career, yknow?
Like I have the love for travel (who doesn’t?) and all that, but I don’t see a way of funding it without working the crappy jobs (still isn’t a career though) first in order to save for the plane fare. Even though travel isn’t that expensive at all, and the people who say that it is are the ones who I reckon just aren’t brave enough to take the chance and just go, yknow? Because you can always work whilst you’re out wherever you are so it literally is just the plan fare, support funds you need for your visa and insurance, like that’s literally it. And whilst I know this in my head and know I could do it (stay tuned, there are plans) it’s like after your year or two is up, where do you go from there? Because travel isn’t a job, is it? I don’t know. But part of me thinks the fact that I can’t see the way, that tells me that maybe I don’t love it enough because if I did, there would be a way, right? I have no idea (this is the theme).
So I’m left with almost daily questioning of what the hell am I doing and what am I going to do? And honestly, I don’t have a single clue and that worries me. It freaks me out so much! It’s all good and well finding a job and climbing the ladder and all that caper but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I don’t want to work a job I hate and turn that into a career. I don’t want to wake up every morning thinking of a way to get out, that thought scares me more than not knowing what I want to pursue.
But is it okay to not know what you wanna do? Like obviously it is and so many people also have no clue but like, what’s the cut off point? What happens if I’m 40 and still have no idea? Is that still okay, is it still a thing? Like yeah okay cross that bridge if and when it comes but seriously like when does it end?
So yeah, lil blog, I’m 22 and have literally not a single clue what the hell I’m doing with my life!
N again (I don’t really enjoy a post with no images), what image exists for a quarter life crisis? Well, there is none. So a picture of two of the three pupperteers, one of the only consistencies in my life!